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When Toddler Development Looks Like Misbehavior

Writer: Raelene Ostberg, M.Ed.
Raelene Ostberg, M.Ed.
Oct 21
9 min read

Read on for three simple shifts to help terrific toddlers thrive.

Toddler playing "peekaboo"

Caring for toddlers is hard. Really hard


If you care for toddlers, you know the reality. These remarkable little humans can fill your day with laughter, wonder, affection, and incredible discoveries. They can also leave you exhausted, frustrated, and wondering if you’re doing anything right.


I will never forget sitting with my daughter while she ate in her highchair. Suddenly, she picked up a piece of food and dropped it onto the floor. “No,” I said.


She looked at me with that look. You know the one…curious, mischievous, and just a little too pleased with herself. Then she dropped another piece.



“No,” I repeated. She smiled.


Down went another piece.


I walked toward her, and her smile grew even bigger.


“Don’t you dare,” I warned. Surely, that would work.


It did not.


She threw the food and then gave me a huge, whole-belly laugh.


🤪 Meanwhile, I was questioning ALL of my parenting skills! Why wasn’t she listening? Was she deliberately pushing me? Did I somehow end up with the world’s most difficult toddler?!


Sound familiar?


One behavior begins, you rush in to stop it, and before you know it, another one erupts. You spend the day putting out hitting fires, throwing fires, biting fires, screaming fires, and “NO!” fires. By the end of the day, you feel less like a parent or educator and more like an exhausted firefighter racing from one emergency to the next! But here is what I eventually learned:


The behavior is only the visible flames. Something underneath it is providing the fuel.


So…Why Do They Do That???

It is part of their natural trajectory. It is who toddlers are.





Toddler: A noun. “An emotionally unstable, pint-sized dictator with the uncanny ability to know exactly how far to push you toward utter insanity before reverting to a lovely creature once again.”





This quote often brings laughter to our toddler series. Because, when you care for toddlers, it sure can feel this way!


One child starts crying. Another throws food. Someone bites a friend while someone else climbs onto something that was definitely not designed to be scaled.


You finally help one child settle… and hear another commotion across the room.


Fire here. Fire there. Fire everywhere.


Exhausting, isn’t it? But what if, instead of spending all our energy putting out fires, we started looking for the fuel? To do that, you have to ask yourself a different question:


“What is the fuel?”




Years after that highchair incident, while training to become a home visitor, I learned something that completely changed how I understood that moment:

Toddlers are supposed to be like this.

The testing, throwing, repeating, refusing, and constant need to discover what happens next do not automatically mean we have a “naughty” child or that an adult is doing something wrong. They are often signs of a developing toddler learning about the world through action.


Toddlers are little scientists! Their entire bodies are telling them: “DOOOOO IT! Drop it! Throw it! Touch it! Find out what happens!”


When my daughter threw her food, she may have been experimenting with gravity, sound, texture, and cause and effect. She may also have been studying me:

When I drop this, Mom says something. Her face changes. Her body moves. What will happen if I do it again?


For her, it may have been a fascinating experiment. For me, it was incredibly frustrating.


She may also have been finished eating and was feeling tired or uncomfortable, and trying to communicate a need. Toddlers do not have the language to announce, “I’m full now. Would you please remove my plate?” Their communication may look more like food hitting the floor.


That is communication, too. It just isn’t the kind most adults prefer! The behavior may look the same, but the reason behind it can be completely different. That's an important distinction.


The behavior is what we see. The reason underneath it is the fuel.


When we look beneath the behavior, we have more opportunities to respond effectively. Instead of immediately assuming a toddler is being difficult, we can get curious about what they may be experiencing, learning, needing, or trying to communicate.


Once I learned about the trajectory of typical child development and other fuel that ignites the fires, I realized two important things.

1) If my adult frustration is overflowing, I might as well yell, "STOP BEING A TODDLER!"

2) Since #1 is unhelpful for me and the youngster, I might as well become the smart saavy adults I am, dig deep for calm understanding, empathy, and adult skills to access my thoughtful patience. After all, they are their age and stage of development.


Toddlers are growing, learning, connecting, reacting to the environment they are in. They are not out to get us.


This brings us to three strategies you can use right away to support development and help access the positive side of this growth and development.


Simple Adult Shifts That Help Terrific Toddlers Thrive


1. Get Curious Before You React


When a toddler does something frustrating, our first instinct is often to stop the behavior. And when safety is involved, we absolutely need to intervene immediately. But once everyone is safe, pause and consider what might be driving the behavior.


Ask yourself: Is the child trying to communicate something? Are they tired, hungry, overwhelmed, or uncomfortable? Are they exploring cause-and-effect or trying to do something they aren't yet able to manage independently?


Imagine a toddler you care for is repeatedly throwing food. Rather than immediately deciding they're misbehaving, consider what might be causing that behavior. As adults, food on the floor is an obvious “no”. But to them, it can be a very curious or funny thing to do.  Look at how the mashed potatoes “splat”!  Wow - those peas just roll away. Hum… what would my milk do? 


If they're finished, you might say, “All done? Let's put your food here,” and offer a container where they can drop the remaining food.


If they seem to need attention, calmly look away and give a brief non-responsive pause. Then, shift your attention to something to distract and engage them - “HI BUDDY! Look at you sitting in your chair! Woo hoo! Then show interest in interacting with them in a way that is appropriate (such as using the sign “more” if they are still hungry or singing a fun song together at the table). The food experiment will be long gone when it does not get any adult energy and your positive interaction ensues.


If they're experimenting, you can redirect that curiosity into an appropriate activity. “Let's build a potato tower! Wow, look at those peas on top!” You can help them explore textures, balance, and gravity without turning mealtime into a battle.

You won't always know the reason right away, and that's okay. You're gathering information, not trying to read a toddler's mind.


2. Reframe your thinking: From “How do I make this stop?” to “What might this child need, and how can I help?”


The same behavior can have different causes, and a toddler's developmental stage can tell us a lot about what might be happening.


  • A toddler who refuses a diaper change may be seeking independence. 

  • A child who grabs a toy may not yet know how to ask for a turn. 

  • A toddler who seems to ignore your directions may be distracted, overwhelmed, or still learning to understand and follow them.


Instead of focusing only on the behavior you want to stop, consider what the toddler might be experiencing and what support would help.



Understanding what's typical at different stages of toddler development can help us respond with greater confidence, less frustration, and more effective strategies. We can still set limits and keep everyone safe while recognizing that toddlers are learning skills they don't yet consistently have.


3. Create an environment where toddlers can succeed.


Toddlers learn by moving, touching, testing, repeating, and exploring. Instead of spending the day saying “No,” “Stop,” and “Don’t touch,” look for ways to make success easier.

Young children also watch us closely to determine whether something is safe and how they should respond.


Research Tidbit

In the 1970s, Joseph Campos built on Gibson and Walk’s original “Visual Cliff” study to explore how infants use adults’ facial expressions when deciding what to do.


When 9- to 12-month-olds reached what appeared to be a steep drop, they looked to their caregivers for guidance. A fearful expression generally caused them to hold back, even when a toy tempted them forward. When the adult offered positive encouragement, the infants were more likely to continue.


The environment had not changed. The message from the adult had.


Young children watch our faces, gestures, and energy for clues. Our nonverbal responses can discourage exploration or communicate, “You are safe. You can do this!”



We can use that same awareness to create environments where toddlers feel safe, connected, and ready to learn:

  • Make exploration possible. Provide safe opportunities to climb, carry, dump, fill, and experiment. Get excited about what toddlers are learning! Your attention helps build their focus, skills, and connection with you.


  • Set up the environment for success. Move unsafe or tempting objects out of reach and make appropriate materials easy to access.


  • Give a lot of love! Toddlers need regular attention, touch, validation, and support. Think of it as “feeding the meter.” When their connection meter runs low, whining, clinging, and other stress behaviors often increase. Add small moments of connection throughout the day:


    • During diaper changes: Sing an interactive song, describe what you are doing, tickle their feet, smile, and look into their eyes.


    • During meals: Sit with toddlers and make it joyful. I remember grinning and saying, “WE ARE SITTING! How fun! So great!” The toddlers smiled back, and snack time became connection time.


    • During goodbyes: Sing a special song, bring out a puppet, or offer a hug or high five. Send them off with a calm connection that says, “See you soon, lovely human!”


The goal is not to create a perfect environment where nothing ever goes wrong. It is to thoughtfully arrange the space and our interactions so toddlers have more opportunities to explore safely, connect, and succeed.


Reminder: You make a bigger difference than you may realize


Toddlers have only been in this world for a year or two. They are still learning to communicate, manage big feelings, control impulses, solve problems, and navigate relationships.


They may know what they want but not how to ask for it. They may understand a limit but struggle to stop themselves in the moment. Knowing what to do and being able to do it consistently are two very different things.


When a toddler pushes another child to get a truck, we keep everyone safe and say:

“I won’t let you push. You want the truck. Let’s ask for a turn.”


We are doing more than stopping the behavior. We are teaching the child what to do instead. And that is the heart of this work.


What you do matters.

Every time you comfort a frustrated toddler, help them through disappointment, or give them a safe opportunity to explore, you are building trust and laying the foundation for future learning.


After 15 years in toddler classrooms, years of partnering with families, and raising two daughters, I have learned that no strategy works every time with every child. What works beautifully on Monday may fall flat on Tuesday!


That is why building a toolbox matters. The goal is not to become a perfect toddler caregiver. It is to understand toddlers better, have more strategies available, and feel more confident during those challenging moments.


When we understand what toddlers are learning, we can spend less time fighting against their development and more time supporting it. And we may discover a little more room for joy too. 💛



Welcome to Inspiring Toddlers!

This is the first blog in our Inspiring Toddlers series, and we are so glad you are here!


Together, we will explore why toddlers do what they do, what they may be communicating, and practical strategies you can use with toddlers and families. Because when a toddler is screaming on the floor, you do not need a lecture. You need an idea that might actually work!


So, think about one toddler behavior that regularly challenges you. Is it biting, throwing, pushing, refusing, or constant movement?


What might be fueling that behavior, and what could you change to help that toddler succeed?


You do not need to have all the answers. Curiosity is a wonderful place to begin.

Let’s discover what is possible TOGETHER!


Want more practical toddler strategies? Visit inspiringtoddlers.com to explore upcoming professional learning opportunities with Thriving Together and Head Start West.

 

 

Helpful Resource Links to Continue Your Learning:

 

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