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“No! You Can’t Make Me!”: Helping Persistent Preschoolers Move from Power Struggles to Cooperation

  • admin00773
  • Apr 22, 2022
  • 7 min read

Updated: Oct 5


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When my 1½-year-old daughter spotted an open can of soda, her eyes lit up and she took off toward it like lightning. I quickly scooped it up, tucked it in the fridge, and said, “No, no pop.” For the next 30 minutes, she was on a mission—completely focused on getting that drink. No distraction I tried could shake her determination. That unstoppable persistence showed up early… and nearly 30 years later, it’s still going strong.

By age six, we were deep in power struggles. Thankfully, during my graduate work at the University of Minnesota, I learned about temperament—and discovered simple ways to adapt my approach to reduce battles, teach her what she needed to learn, and support success for all the young children I worked with in Early Childhood Family Education.


The thing is, a person's temperamental makeup is wired from birth so it is stable over time and across situations. I would either learn to provide a good fit for her, or we would continue to get struggle.


In this blog, we’ve gathered practical strategies adults can use to minimize triggers, guide determined preschoolers, reduce challenging behaviors, and help all children thrive.


*Watch this video to quickly

  1. Discover common challenging behaviors that arise from this trait

  2. Identify the fuel that drives power struggles

  3. Learn top strategies to help work with children who relentlessly persist.


*Read on to


What behaviors might indicate a child has the trait "high persistence"?

  • Resist or refuse to listen when asked to stop what they are doing and move on

  • Meltdown at transition time

  • Might “take over” or “bull-doze” others to get their own way

  • Asks for something over and over and in many different ways

  • Escalate their behavior to get what they want (whine, then cry, scream, and eventually even sneak the item)

  • High tendency to lock in to power struggles


If the child exhibits these behaviors, and has consistently over ages and stages of development, you are likely working with a child who has the trait "high persistence".


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Good news: High Persistence pays off... in the long run!

Though high persistence can be frustrating in young children, it often translates into determination, leadership, and problem-solving as they grow. These kids don’t give up easily. They stay committed to their goals, push through setbacks, and often find creative solutions.


What challenges you today may be their greatest asset tomorrow!


When Persistence Becomes a Challenge

Adults often cheer on a child’s determination during learning challenges, like using scissors or drawing. But when things don’t go as expected, that same drive can trigger meltdowns or resistance. In order to help a child with high-persistence experience success in your care, pay attention to what provokes the negative side of the trait and adapt your responses to help provide a buffer.


Part of successfully navigating difficult temperament traits includes considering what is painful or difficult for that person (based on their own unique temperament). Common hot buttons for humans with high-persistence includes abrupt interruptions, being asked to move on too frequently, or being told no. Requests to stop a desired task and move on can leave the child feeling grumpy and frustrated. For a child with high persistence, being asked to stop when super engaged in a high-interest activity is excruciating.


A common scenario: It is snack-time and you have a lot to do. You give the preschoolers a verbal prompt: "It's time to clean up for snack!" Many kiddos jump up to help. But, one remains engrossed in their project, seeming to not have heard you. You repeat "First clean up, then snack!" Yet, the child persists...


The child may be thinking:

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"I just finished setting the train tracks up! Why should I stop playing with this elaborate train track setup I am working on to eat? I am not even hungry!"


It is naturally more challenging for a child born with a strong resolve to stop based on someone else's needs. They are not choosing to be difficult. This reaction might simply be based on the way they are uniquely wired to respond to the world.


Adults can reduce the dreaded refusals if they avoid the "triggers" and adapt to provide a good fit.

Below are four evidence-based adaptations adults can make to help turn persistence into progress—not power struggles.


1) Prepare for the child transitions with a positive countdown:

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  • "We are going to stop playing in 10 minutes. How will you spend your last minutes playing with the train set?"

  • Now, there are five minutes left. I can't wait to share snack together!" (could start a visual timer here)

  • We are going to stop in one minute.

  • Time to countdown, "One two three... snack is coming for me!" Four five six.... seven, eight, nine - TEN! Woo hoo - Clean up then snack time is here!


This helps the child switch from the desired activity to what comes next, result in a smoother transition for all, and avoid potential meltdowns for all children. For the child with strong resolve, it will help reduce stress (and the behaviors that come with it) as it build's your connection with the child.


2) "Find the yes within the no". In this video, you will discover a wonderful strategy for working with all young children. This discipline power-strategy works particularly well with those who are super persistent because it incorporates choices, starts with "YES!", and helps you avoid the power struggle.

Examples of the language:

Child: "Can I have one more book?"

Adult: "YES, would you like to read a book after lunch or after your rest break?"


Child: "I want a cookie!"

Adult: "YES, would you like one after lunch or afternoon snack?"


Child: "I don't want to wear my coat!"

Adult: "YES, you can hold it over your arm or drop it in the back of the stroller so you have it if you feel cold."


This strategy helps the child feel a sense of control and keeps them working with you and open to wait until the time they chose. Watch the video for several more scenarios.


3) Pick Your Battles

Sometimes, it's not just the child's persistence at play—it's ours too. When you say "no", you have entered the ring. Power struggles only happen if both the adult and child dig in.


So before using the provoking word "no", ask yourself: Is this really worth the battle? If it is, be prepared to follow through calmly and consistently. But if it’s not that important, consider letting it go. With persistent kids, choosing your battles wisely can save everyone a lot of stress.


4) Help the child recognize your "final no". As adults, we can choose if we give in, negotiate, or let go. When there is no room for choice and it is your "final no", and calmly and persistently repeat "No. This is my final no." until the child relents. This process can be shortened by taking time to validate the child's experience so they feel heard. But, clear nonverbal language can clue the child in that you are not moving on this one.


"You want that book. I hear you. I love books too!

And, books are done for today. No more books. No. I wish I could. But, no books for anyone. It is time to eat snack."


These strategies will help the child, with feelings of determination from birth, to feel they are considered and valued. When they experience those feelings, they behave better! What you do will make a difference!

Free Resource: Temperament Cheat Sheet. Check out other common triggers and the top tip that matches. Feel free to print and share this resource.


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Individual temperament traits are not an excuse for disruptive behaviors. They are information that helps us understand why children respond as they do, what they need from us, and what skills they need to develop to experience success.


It is important to ask what does the child need to learn? Working with a high persistent in early childhood isn’t easy, but with the right tools and plan, you can make a big difference. Focus on what the child needs to learn—how to ask for time when needed, to move on in a reasonable amount of time, and to pause when frustration builds and return to projects later. Help identify other times they can resume what they were doing (maybe leaving that train set with a "Do not Disturb" sign to they can come back to it.)


Working with a child with a tendency to lock in is not easy. But, with a plan to give transition alerts, find ways to say "YES!", and choosing only the battles that matter will help reduce power struggles and increase positive outcomes for the child.


With patience, planning, and encouragement, you’ll not only reduce power struggles—you’ll help that determined spirit grow into one of their greatest strengths.


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Thank you for reading this blog and sharing it with your teams and friends. Together, we can make a difference!

Sending peace and joy,


Raelene Ostberg, M.Ed.

Early Childhood Specialist and Lifelong Learner

National Keynote Speaker




Collaborate with Raelene to bring insightful, engaging, and uplifting professional development Keynotes, breakouts, and team trainings to your area: https://www.thriving-together.com/bookraelene


To gain a more extensive overview of temperament, visit our blog post "From Timid to Tenacious."  or check out the "Learn with Raelene" page to catch her at a conference.


Three wonderful transitions resources to help children with high persistence to change activities:


To view resource blogs with additional tips for frustrating temperament traits, visit: https://www.thriving-together.com/blog/categories/temperament



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